ZAZENKAI DAY – Barry Sant 04/11/18
Buddhist Retreat (come together for meditation)
I thought I’ll put down some thoughts on yesterday’s events, as some of you may wish to take something from it. For people that know me would probably call me an experienced meditator as I have been meditating for 20yrs + and have done a number of weekend/day retreats but today I thought was quite interesting, so I thought I’ll share it with you.
I woke up early feeling a little tired but generally ok, for these extended meditation sits I like to get my head in the right place well before the day starts as they can be quite mentally and physically challenging.
The sit started ok with a talk from Roshi (Zen Master) followed by dokusan (one to one meeting with Roshi) then we got really got stuck into the sitting (meditation). So normally my mind is generally ok and quite, while my body only starts to give up near the latter end of the sit, with the feeling of my knees and ankles ready to explode at any minute.
But today was a little different, about a ¼ of the way in, some residue anger started to creep into my thoughts, this was quite unsettling as I have work extensively on removing anger of my past and honesty thought that all has been dealt with years ago.
Now what the anger was about is of no real relevance, but what I will say is that I was around 16/17 years of age and a trainee mechanic. As my former colleagues appeared in my mind, I thought to myself, hate you and you, your just plain cruel and you’re a complete dick etc. Now if I saw any of them today, I wouldn’t hold any bad feeling towards them but remember this was the anger of nearly 30 years ago coming up, the same emotions I felt back then not now that had locked itself within my physical and energetic body for years, now revealing itself so it can be released.
So, I slowly forgave every single one of them in my 16/17 year old mind and let go of the relative emotion.
While this process was happening with my mind, I also noticed my body become extremely uncomfortable, especially with my back as it really started to ache, giving me incredible discomfort. My first thought was wow this never happen anymore its usually my knees and ankles, then realised that it wasn’t my posture that was the issue it was the emotional tension releasing from my body, so I just went with it, trying to relax and open up my spine knowing full well that as soon as I released the anger within my mind the pain would cease in my body, and this is exactly what happen. As soon as I managed to clear my mind from the anxiety, frustration and anger from all those years ago the pain just stopped like switching a light switch on and off.
Our mind & body relationship is completely interlinked, there is no separation between the two, even something that happened nearly 30 years ago was still held within me giving me emotional and physical discomfort whilst blocking the energy channels of my body. Also, what was interesting is that these people/events that occurred back in the day were what I thought, no big deal and I have certainly had a lot more serious things to deal with since then.
Just think, that if these relatively small occurrences that also happened such a long time ago, then what about the major lifetime traumas that affect us so deeply. I thought I knew my true nature well, but with experiences like today, I realise that there is still a little work to do.
You can only clear these stuck/stagnant emotions by going inside yourself, there is nothing outside of you that’s going to be of any use, the problem always lies within us, it’s just that sometimes we need to look a little deeper to find it.
Today you may well feel fine and tickertyboo but ask yourself what’s in your past that only you are aware of or in this case what my subconscious was aware of that might be creating emotional, mentally or physical discomfort. It also highlights that we don’t really know anyone, not really, we may think we know our partner, mother, father, siblings etc but what we really see is what they have decided to show us, part truths and some of the time like in my case above we are not even aware of it ourselves, so how can anybody else know, especially if we have buried that particular event or emotion.
This is partly due to the emotional protection of ourselves and you, this is especially relevant regarding our parents, as a parent myself we are always trying to protect our children from the harshness’s of life no matter how old they get. The same goes both ways, do your parents and love one’s know everything about you and all your inner demons, of course not, we all have certain secrets even in the most open of relationships.
But from my many years of healing experience I can honestly say with confidence that the body never lies. If there are any suppressed emotions it will be expressed within the physical and energetic body, the skill is knowing how and where to look.